Friday, October 5, 2012

The REAL reason we're all screwed in the event of the Zombie Apocalypse

I feel like a zombie lately.* Symptoms manifest most commonly in first period music theory class. Pale skin. Dark, baggy circles under my bloodshot eyes. Slack-jawed drooling. Blank stares. Groaning "Uhhhh...." in response to questions and conversation. Always looking for brains, more brains, brainsbrainsbrains. (I hear you're supposed to have those in college.)

I think I'm so sleep-deprived that my body and brain are staging a revolt. Hence the zombie-like symptoms. Not strange, then, that I'm thinking of the zombie apocalypse when I should be sleeping.

If the zombie apocalypse happens, we're all screwed. But not for the reason you probably think.

You see, we have nuclear plants all around the country. Maintenance of these plants is performed by highly trained crews of professionals who have to meet extremely high standards. For example -- radiation diving. It's a thing. Divers repair and maintain the parts of nuclear plants that are underwater -- intake pipes, etc. It's very dangerous and very important work.

What if those people fell victim to a zombie outbreak?

Cue the nuclear meltdowns. We'd all be screwed.

Say they didn't become zombies or die in the ensuing chaos. Even then, the zombie apocalypse would hardly be the time to start training new radiation divers. These people have to be fairly young and athletic for such a demanding job. They undergo years of training as professional divers, and specified training after that to work as radiation divers. Institutions providing such training would probably shut down. Divers might die as a result of age or accidents or zombie attacks. And in the middle of the zombie apocalypse, who the hell thinks "Oh, now would be a great time to get my diver's certification"?

Nuclear meltdowns. We'd all be screwed.

To say nothing of the rest of the staff that keep nuclear plants running on a day-to-day basis. What if something happened to them?

Meltdowns. Disaster.

Of course, the government might decide that the best thing would be to let the nuclear plants blow, hopefully wiping out the zombie problem while the survivors huddled in an underground lead bunker, Dr. Strangelove style.

We'd all be screwed.

What if the government-protected survivors emerged only to find that the nuclear meltdowns had only created radioactive super-zombies?

We'd all be really screwed.

All right, I'm sure there's some government emergency plan to implement in case of the zombie apocalypse. It probably involves shutting down nuclear plants. After all, dealing with the loss of electricity is preferable to dealing with the consequences of nation- and worldwide nuclear disaster.

I want to be on the committee that decides things like this. They probably have a science fiction consultant.

*I hear they usually call that depression.


  1. See, here in BC, we don't have nuclear power plants. AND we have free healthcare. AND lollipops. And no one could tell the zombies from the non-zombies because of all the pot smoking.

    1. Hahahaha! Well then, I think most of Europe is even more screwed than the USA in terms of nuclear disaster during the zombie apocalypse. Nuclear power is more of a thing there. Most Americans are still pretty leery of it.


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